Archive for June, 2010

Funny Things You Can Find in a Bible

Posted in Uncategorized on June 11, 2010 by jamesdrax

I’ve never really been a Bible guy.

There is actually no easy way to get me to read any form of pious text and take it seriously, and the Holy Bible is chock full of all that. I just look at texts like this and think “well, people look at this book like it’s the number 42, and they’re hypnotized to think it’s the literal answer to everything in the universe (it must be the pseudo-poetic writing style that suckers people in), and somehow ancient people from thousands of years ago could seem to talk to God in the form of a burning bush with absolute ease in two-way communication and get credit for it in a sacred scripture, but if you claimed you could do the same thing these days, they’d throw you in a mental asylum. It makes me think they were actually right in the last two seasons of Stargate SG-1“.

Good luck ever getting me to read the Koran; unless, of course, it has a lot of funny full-colour pictures to look at!

Thus, my brother went to a funeral out near Dubbo in NSW last week, and he brought home one of the deceased’s possessions that took my interest, and it so happened to be a rather nicely bound Holy Bible, but full of a lot of nice pictures. Take a look at this…

It’s probably one of the nicest looking Bibles I have ever seen, and that’s coming from some uptight rightie who thinks Ayn Rand has a point.

Oh, now here’s the owner’s page. This Bible obviously belonged to a kid who didn’t get whacked with a cane enough. Look at this, it’s barely legible, and people think we have a literacy problem in 2010, this was from 1971! I mean, “NeViLLE Barry SWan. Easts to win”, is there a quip for that? I also like how it says “CATHOLIC ACTION BIBLE”, like this Bible has bigger and better action and adventure than someone else’s Bible. Great marketing!  Anyhoo, moving onto the technicolor pictures.

There’s almost a whole gallery of Father John giving Brother Jack who looks like Liev Schreiber instructions on how to be a respectable priest. It is of course a prophecy that shows how the actor’s life might have turned out had he not starred in that dreadful remake of The Omen (2006). At least he got a pretty blonde.

But here’s the gallery that amuses me the most. We’ve got a line of paintings of Jesus and the twelve apostles (I’ve decided to exclude some), complete with name and editorialized bios.

The old messiah dude looking exactly as he does on the Shroud of Turin, along with piercing blue eyes, as most Jews looked in the first century A.D.

Now here are the apostles. Bit of an odd group of people.

St. Peter looks like Steve Reeves playing Hercules.

St. Jude actually looks like Jude Law, or how Mr. Law will look very soon.

But get ready for this. This is actually the funniest picture I have ever seen in a Bible.

Oh my god, look at this guy! It’s supposed to be a portrait of St. Philip, but he looks like John Derek! It’s like a glamour photo for a Hollywood movie star for some deleted role in Ben-Hur or King of Kings! If this is a kids’ Bible, I swear they must have looked at this and laughed. Even the blurb about him is particularly funny because it doesn’t make him out to be terribly bright.

Philip was evidently a matter-of-fact sort of man with the advantages as well as the defects of such a character. His literal mind, for instance, dwells more easily on the calculation that two-hundred pennyworth of bread is required for the five thousand, than the possibility of the Master feeding the crowd miraculously. Again, on the evening before the Passion, Philip asks, much to Our Lord’s disappointment “Show us the Father”. Had Philip so little spiritual insight? Had he not learned, after all this time, that He and the Father are one?

No wonder! This himbo was too busy bleaching his teeth to go in a corner and contemplate his enlightenment.

But that isn’t all, folks. Meet Judas Iscariot.

If Judas was the supposed traitor, whose actions led to the Crucifixion of Christ and his apparent Resurrection, and finally the saving of all your damn worthless souls, then why did the artist think it was appropriate to portray Judas as some dark, villainous character with messy black hair who looks like Rasputin? Was that the look they were going for? If he was an animal, he’d look like Scar from The Lion King (1994). He looks like he’s scheming for more than “thirty pieces of silver”, I’ll tell you that much! Can’t Christians forgive the guy already? You wouldn’t have your religion if it weren’t for this guy with hair like Cosmo Kramer.

Well that’s it with this Bible, but it was fun just looking at pictures for a change. Let us pray.